Memories of a Trooper
by Oudemia
Summary: WH 40k - What might it be like to be on the very first battlefield as a simple and plain trooper?
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I own utterly nothing, neither the flak armour nor the lasguns. Only the idea and Marc, Dan and Jake.

Well I'm not a native speaker, so English is only the second language I learned and I'd like to get better with it. So if you find some grammar or spelling mistakes (or wrong placement of words) please tell me. And I'd also like to get a little review, whether you like the story =) But enough of the talk, let's go on =)

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I had been so proud when I had enrolled myself in the Imperial Guard. I hadn't been alone when I did, nearly all of my friends did the same.

Since our childhood we had admired the guardsmen, they had always been our heroes. Brave and heroic. With their flak armour and their lasguns. Their helmets with the sign of the Imperial Guard. And I had enlisted, too.

I had thought, I'd become such a hero myself. Man, I had been wrong…

My father had even been prouder than me, beaming at me and laughing, clasping my shoulders and saying I'd be a great soldier, I'd surely make officer's rank or even become a war hero.

My mother hadn't been that optimistic. She had feared for my life, but I only smiled at her reassuring that I'd come back no matter what. I told her that Marc and Dan had enlisted as well, they had been my best friends, none had ever been able to separate us.

I can still remember how we sneaked into our neighbour's garden because our ball had landed in it and that old man had always been unfriendly, keeping everything to himself that landed in his garden. Wow, that got us into some trouble. But all three of us had gotten out quite well.

Old memories. Dan's dead by now. And I don't know what has become of Marc.

We all had gotten through training quite well and we had been more than fortunate to get in the same squad.

We had grinned at each other, when we had heard that. Same squad. Nothing could ever separate us. Not even enrolling to the Imperial Guard. That was, what we had thought then.

Today I know better. Enemies could separate us quite well…

Then the time of our first mission had come. Still we had been so proud, having no idea of what war really was like. We still thought of just going there shooting a bit and coming back as a hero, just like the ones of our childhood.

Emperor, we had been so damned stupid then.

I remember us lying in our beds talking about the mission to come. Joking about the arch-enemy and how they'd run from us, the mighty Dan, the great Marc and fearsome Jake, that'd be me.

The next day we had set out and we had looked good. Like the knight in shining armour you always get tales told about. We had had a smug smile in our faces, being overconfident that everything would surely be good and well in the end. That nothing could ever happen to us.

Never ever….

But then, then we had reached the battlefield.

Or better we had arrived behind the lines. It had been terrible. The screams of the wounded. The roars of tank-cannons in the distance. The smell of blood and disinfectant. However we hadn't even reached our true destination.

I had felt a lump in my throat rising.

If that was behind the lines, what would battlefield be like?

Where were the shining heroes of our childhood?

How could one survive that?

We had to go on. Out of the transporter that had brought us here, into the city in front of us. Well, actually the city had been a bit in the distance. We had to walk the rest of the way.

The nearer we had come the more my dread was rising. If it hadn't been because of the commissar's shouting and shooting, my feet wouldn't had moved. He had shouted of duty, and that the Emperor would always watch us. That we should fear him, but follow him.

We had reached the city. Odd, one little sentence can contain the death sentence of so many men.

I had nearly vomited because of fear. It had been more than simply terrible. When I had glanced at Dan and Marc, I had seen the same dread in their faces, that I was feeling. Holy Emperor protect us.

I think we all had thought that.

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A/N: I hope you liked it so far. And I hope I can put up the next chapter soon^^


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I still own nothing.

Isador Akios, thank you so much for you review!

Let's get on=)

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We had been running through the streets for what seemed like ages to me. Everywhere had been these … these signs!

I had shuddered when I had seen them first and already they had given me quite a headache.

We had reached a street, that had seemed to be completely destroyed. There had only been ruins left of what might have been once proud buildings. And everywhere those signs.

Our sergeant had commanded us to split up and secure the remains of the first building left and the first building right. He had stayed with two others securing the street and backing us up.

Marc, Dan and me had been ordered to secure the one on the right, so we had gone in. We had been giving hand signs to each other, just as we had been trained.

There we had been standing in a hallway that hadn't been overly destroyed. Well, the building I mean.

The furniture had been smashed into pieces and there had been those signs again.

I had noticed Dan glancing at them for quite long without even blinking and so I had grabbed his arm and jerked him around. That had seemed to bring him out of his stupor for he smiled nervously.

Then we had turned firstly for the right room spreading from the hallway. I had leveled my lasgun and then had went in, looking left, right. Nothing. That room had been safe. On the wall left of the door through which I had entered was another door.

I had then signaled my friends – no, my comrades – that the first room had been safe and I'd move on to another room.

Again with leveled gun I had approached the door and had prepared myself for whatever had been to come.

I had flung the door open, had entered.

I had to leave the room as soon as I had entered it.

I had fallen to my knees, nearly vomiting once again. Holy Emperor, that had been a little child!

Dan had to have noticed something was wrong for he had tried approach the door, but he would've had to pass me and I had grasped his arm. I had wanted to spare him the sight of the little girl in that room. Murdered by chaos. More or less slaughtered.

Dan had looked at me again and I had shaken my head. He had understood. He wouldn't have wanted to look in that room, to see that girl.

I had to close my eyes, but as soon as I had the image would haunt me. I had shaken my head wildly to get rid of it, but to no avail.

Pale and shaking I had gotten up again signaling Marc the room was safe. I had been able to see, that he turned to the first room on the left waiting for us.

That time Marc had gone in first, Dan behind him and me securing the hallway. I had still been quite shaken and had closed my eyes again, that girl. Parts of her body indistinguishable from parts of her puppet. At the mere thought of it I had to shudder again.

I had felt a hand on my arm and had turned around fast fearing the worst.

But it had only been Dan and Marc, both of them looking quite concerned. I had simply shaken my head and gone down the hallway wanting to look in the last room.

That room had been empty as well, except for the flight of stairs going up.

Marc had wanted to go up first and neither Dan nor me had objected. I had watched him walking upstairs slowly and silently bringing up his gun and then glancing around quickly. He had then signaled us to come up, too, for it had been safe.

There had once been two doors but both of them were blocked by parts of the ceiling, so we simply had to go down again and out to our sergeant.

By the time we had gotten back to the rest of our squad, the other part securing the left building had still been away. The sergeant had gotten quite nervous and ordered us to go and look out for the other three.

We had glanced at each other, confidence in our eyes for we hadn't had any contact in "our" building, except for - no I wouldn't have thought of it again. We had nodded and left at once and entered.

It had seemed to be much bigger than the one we had been in, so we had just thought the others might still be securing and we had gotten a bit less tensed.

That had been no problem since out idea had been true. We had been going through the hallway as they had come in our direction signaling that everything was all right and safe.

Back with our serge we had to go one building farther. In that way we had in the end secured most of the street.

We had gotten confident, we had thought that war maybe wasn't that cruel, that the wounded ones behind the lines had maybe had simply bad luck. Nothing had happened to any of us by then.

Now that I think of it again, we should have kept as tensed and on the edge as in the beginning, it would have been far better. Better, what kind of better? Maybe Dan would be still alive, and what of Marc? I have no idea.

Again the sergeant had ordered us to split up, same thing as it had been all the street long. That had been the penultimate building in the street and up to then nothing had happened. So we had simply gone in.

Hallway? Nothing.

Right room? Nothing

Left room? Blocked

And the first floor had already been as good as secured. We had then entered the last room, again a staircase.

That time Dan had wanted to go up first.

Holy Emperor, I wish he hadn't...

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Uhm... review, please? Pretty please?


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: Nothing is mine.

Isador Akios, Rhye Waters, Stubbs 101, thank you all for your reviews! And here's the next little chapter, I hope you like it as well =)

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Dan had moved the stairs up so slowly, his gun leveled all the time. I had been about four steps behind him, my headache grown even worse and I had felt sick to the stomach with all those signs everywhere.

He had been about half of the way up, when we had heard the typical fizzling of lasguns. Glancing out of a damaged window I had been able to see lasfire in the opposite building. I had swallowed hard then. Should we keep carrying the order out or should we head out of the building helping the others?

Dan had decided for us by moving further upstairs. The grin had been washed away from his face and replaced with renewed dread. What might have wait for us up there, if there had been enemies in the other building?

Dan had reached the end of the stairs and looked to the right, then quickly to the left. I had followed him, mirroring his actions.

Maybe the arch-enemy had only held the other building? I truly had hoped that.

This time only one door was blocked, but the other one had looked like someone had removed the debris of the ceiling in front of it. Odd, I had thought. However it hadn't occurred to Dan to notice that, he had simply moved cautiously towards that door.

He had pulled it open and it had happened to be the door to hell.

Dan never had time to react. Or to scream…

He had fell silently to the ground, a knife thrust into his throat.

My eyes had gone wide with fear and shock and more out of intuition than out of reaction I fired my gun.

The red uniformed enemy that had replaced Dan by stepping over him crumpled to the floor, but not dead yet. He – I suppose it had been a he – had shot at me whilst falling, but I had been lucky for he hadn't been able to aim and his shot had only singed the sleeve of my uniform. I'd fired again, this time killing him.

Now adrenalin had been rushing through my veins and the yelling of the commissar resounded in my ears: No retreat, no cowardice. Show them no fear!

But to tell the truth, I had been more than only afraid even though I'd wanted to avenge Dan, for he surely'd been dead, what I hadn't wanted to believe then, hadn't been able to.

I'd jumped behind some debris. A poor cover, but still better than none.

My headache had grown even worse and I'd felt the urge to throw my helmet away. I'd felt as if it would crush my head any moment. Thankfully I'd been able to resist that urge, but I couldn't help pulling at the chin strap, loosening it a bit. I'd felt not an ounce better.

I'd heard Marc running upstairs and wanted to shout to him he should stay down, but I couldn't even whisper.

I had to take a try and take at least a few of them with me. I had no idea how many of them had been in that room or rooms.

I'd taken a look from behind my cover and had seen them using the door frame as cover. It had been as poor as mine…

I'd prayed to the Emperor to protect Marc and me. I'd already lost one of my best friends, his corpse barely visible from my position.

I had thought I had to die, now, here.

In my mind I'd begged my mother to forgive me for not listening and believing her. My father's forgiveness I asked as well, for disappointing him, for not making officer's rank, for dying in this Emperor forsaken city.

A noise had brought me back into reality.

How could I have even gotten entangled in thoughts amidst a battle?

I'd thrown a fearful look to my left. Marc. So he had made it over here.

Then he had thrown me a questioning glance. I'd known what he meant.

"Where's Dan?"

Why had he to ask that? Why?

I'd closed my eyes with a painful facial expression.

"Hey, Jake, are you alright? Were you hit?"

He had been worried about me.

We had been sitting behind some debris for cover. Dan dead. And Marc had ben worried about _me_! That'd been so absurd I hadn't been able to suppress a snort.

However I'd caught the look the had thrown me, worried and bewildered, so I'd shaken my head and pointed to Dan's corpse, still not completely comprehending what that meant.

The second Marc had looked to the direction I had pointed, his face had been drained of all colour and I'd heard him gasp in shock.

Once again I'd looked out from behind the debris at the door.

There had been two of them making slowly and noiselessly way to us. Damn!

I'd grasped Marc's arm and jerked him around to me signaling him to be silent. He'd seen them as well.

His face still ashen he had nodded to me and both of us aimed carefully.


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: I own utterly nothing, neither the flak armour nor the lasguns. Only the idea and Marc, Dan and Jake.

Sorry for keeping you waiting so long =( but unfortunately I caught a cold and had far too much to do for school. Actually I should be studying for three exams taking place next week...

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Both of us had aimed carefully and both of us had fired nearly the same time.

Do you think it's possible to miss in such a situation? No?  
You're so damn wrong.

I had missed, but Marc's shot had killed his enemy in an instant. The other one had jumped back and gone back to safety again.  
Damn. We'd so often trained shooting, but now I had to fail.

"What now?" Marc sometimes had his stupid moments. Where should I have known from what to do? So I'd simply shrugged and shaken my head.

Keeping a close eye on the doorway and signaling me to back him up, Marc'd gotten up and tried then himself to get to their cover.  
How could one be so damned stupid? That's suicide, I'd thought, reckless idiot! If he dies now, I'm gonna kill him myself! Then the irony of my thoughts'd dawned on me.

I'd kept my glance on the doorway, but none had appeared in it. Odd, as if they hadn't cared whether someone'd tried to get near and in. Marc'd stopped besides the door-frame, waving at me to get over to his position, too.

I had simply and plainly stared at him. He'd been more than fortunate to get over there himself, how should I have had the same luck for myself? Had he completely gone mad?

I think, one room had never seemed that large to me. And the voices in my head had never been that loud, telling me I'd surely die if I tried. But Marc'd had different plans, waving more insistent to me.

I had then closed my eyes, cursing myself for my stupidity, and ran over to the door as well.

Nothing'd happened, but there had to be at least one Chaos soldier in the room.

I'd thrown Marc a worried look. Hadn't he gotten it was strange, that none had tried to kill us? He'd merely shrugged.

I hadn't been able to restrain myself from glancing to Dan again.

How could he be dead? It had been his idea to enlist! He had been most eagerly to do so. He had never feared the battlefield, he'd only feared to get not enough glory and fame.

Marc had then started moved in the room his gun leveled me backing him up once again. I'd expected him to be shot or stabbed or something like that, but I hadn't thought of what came next.

I don't remember properly how exactly everything happened it's more some sort of a blur to me. However I'll tell you what and how I remember.

First I had seen a blinding light and only a split of a second later there'd been a deafening crack. Then the full force of a shock wave had hit me and sent me through the room.

Then there was nothing. I mean I must have blacked out gone unconscious something along these lines. So, as you'd guess, I can't tell you what happened between that and coming back to the waking world again.

When I had woken up and felt no pain I had thought all that to be a dream. A nightmare. Dan and Marc would laugh at me telling me that such a thing would never ever happen that they'd be far to good to be caught in such a mess. I had then grinned to me myself, such a stupid dream.

But unfortunately then I had become aware of my surroundings. That was not the room barracks we had slept in. Neither was this a room in some sort of transporter. I had felt sick the second it occurred to me that I was lying in a bed in the sick bay for that had meant it hadn't been a dream.

My thoughts had started racing then. Dan would surely be dead but what of Marc? He had been in front of me! I'd been close to despair. Knowing one of your best friends dead is already enough but not knowing what had become of the other had been simply too much for me.

I had noticed the lack of pain but paid no attention to it. I'd felt too hollow to even think about it and I began weeping helplessly. And thus I'd tried to curl up, but I found no strength for it.

The little voice in my head had also been there taunting me that I had been unable to help any of my friends I had failed them let them down. Oh, what's your father gonna think about you? It had asked me merciless and went on blaming me for everything. I know now it has been my own doubts and my own blaming myself but back then I had listened to the voice unresisting.

Only when a medic approached the bed I had been lying in I had been snapped out of my thoughts. He had seemed to be in a hurry and very tired just like he hadn't slept for quite a few days.

"Do you feel any pain?" Huh? Had he asked that? Must have been so.

I had then answered him: "No. Not really..." He had nodded satisfied checked on my injuries quickly. Broken ribs concussion a broken arm I couldn't have cared less about it than I had done.

I had gathered all what had been left on my courage to ask him whether he knew what happened to trooper Marc Brogan. He had thought for a moment and then shook his head. I had felt as cold as ice. Marc is dead as well my mind had concluded that from the medic's action. But then he had spoken again "I don't know." And with these words he had left again.

Uncertainty is worse than knowledge, that I can tell you for sure. It had been hard enough to think of Dan dead but having no idea at all of what happened to Marc.

He could be dead.

He could be alive.

He could be alive but slowly dieing because none had found him.

He could be anywhere! In any condition! Maybe still hoping for rescue and I, I had been unable to do anything.


	5. Chapter 5

Disclaimer: I own utterly nothing, everything is property of Games Workshop and whatever other companies.

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After waking up I had simply lain there, floating between despair, grief and hope.

That tiny, little spark of hope had been the worst part of it for it had spoken to me:

'Maybe Marc is still alive. Maybe he just waits to be rescued ... by you.'

And every time hope had shown up guilt had done so, too.

'You survived. One of your best friends didn't. And the other one, he's out there. He's waiting to be rescued by you.'

I hadn't wanted to hear that. I'd wanted to shout at the hope and guilt, at these voices in my mind. At myself.

I pressed my hands at my ears and closed my eyes in a desperate attempt to silence them.

A futile attempt to escape these voices inside my head. A futile attempt to avoid myself.

Guilt continued:

'What have you done to deserve survival? Are you better than Dan? Are you better than Marc? What kind of a best friend are you?'

I'd whispered: 'Be silent...'

As an answer the voices had started to laugh at me.

'Do you think Marc would lie idly around, if you were out there?'

'Be silent!' A little louder than the first time.

'Don't be silly. You know I won't be silent. I'm your conscience. You _know_ you should be searching for him.' I had been able to feel guilt's smirk.

I'd shaken my head trying to clear it of these thoughts. However instead of clearing my mind, it had just brought my headache back. Damned concussion.

'I can't. I can't be out there. I can't search for him.' I'd whispered, tears gathering in my eyes.

I had wanted to jump up and run out. I had wanted to be out there! I had wanted to search for Marc! I'd even been glad to see his dead body! Everything would have been better than this damned trembling uncertainty!

But I couldn't. I had been confined to the sick bay. I couldn't even sit up. I had tried but gotten far to dizzy.

Would you think my conscience had been interested in such facts? Exactly, it hadn't been interested at all. It had continued all day long in the same damned way. From waking up til falling asleep again. And having so much time to think, hadn't helped at all.

For three days I had spent my waking hours listening to hope and guilt.

Then I had finally gotten the message that Marc wouldn't return at all.

It had been rather odd:

I would have thought that I'd burst into tears or something like that, but I had simply nodded.

Hope had finally fallen silent and guilt refrained from telling me to go searching. For quiet some time there had been nothing inside of me. I'd simply felt hollow.

But then the tears came and the grief and guilt approached me again with a dark look.

'Maybe... maybe if you'd gone searching...'

Maybe I would survive every future battle. Maybe I would return to my home someday. But whatever was to come, I'd have to face it alone. Without my best friends.

'How are you going to look at the faces of your best friends' families? There are more consequences than just you being a bit lonely. Their families have lost them as well!' Why couldn't this damned voice have simply been silent? Had it possibly been right?

No... I'd shaken my head and taken a deep breath. Not really good ideas. Even with painkillers I had felt dull pain in my ribs and head.

But at least that had carried my mind away from guilt and back to the there and then.

There had been other injured. Other ones had lost comrades and friends as well. It hadn't only been me. How did they cope with everything?

I had looked around the room. For the first time in three full days I had really acknowledged my surroundings.

The soldier in the bed opposite of 'mine' must had been hit pretty hard. He had been still unconscious and I distinctly remembered him being already there when I'd woken up. Or maybe he had simply been asleep. I couldn't tell.

And I had recognized the smell of blood and disinfectant. And with the recognition of the smell, the memory of our behaviour three or four days ago had returned.

Three or four days... To me it had seemed like a lifetime. It had seemed to be more distant, like longer bygone days. Past.

How could we have ever been so damned stupid?

Firstly we had been joking about war, then we had seen it and then been in it. And two of us hadn't survived. Two out of three.

I had recovered and there had been the next battle to fight. The next war to win. And I had survived again and again.

If I think back now, I wonder about quiet a lot of things:

What would have happened, if I had kept Marc from going in that room?

What would have happened, if I had moved in firstly instead of Dan?

What would have happened, if there hadn't been shooting in the other building?

What would have happened, if we had been in different squads?

What would have happened, if, well, if none of us had enlisted?

I'll never know... But I know, that I'll see Marc and Dan again, when my final day has passed.

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A/N: This story is finished. I'm just going to write a short epilogue, but that will be nothing of importance. And I want to apologize for any misspellings or grammar mistakes, but over here it is 00:07 A.M. and English is not my native tongue, so sorry for the mistakes. Oh and would you please review? That would be really nice =)


	6. Chapter 6

Hm, not what I wanted it to be but still something. And it took me already long enough to get it to be this way... so well, read and please review. It's the end of the story.

Disclaimer: I own certainly nothing.

* * *

The old man fell silent and looked at his grandson, who had listened awestruck.

The younger one swallowed hard: 'That... That really happened, gramps?'

Tiredly the addressed nodded: 'Yes. And it still bothers me. The first battle had been the worst.'

'But, surely you... I mean you must have been proud, you survived, you killed enemies, you have been a hero... or ... not?' The obviously distressed, young man said.

This time the answer was a shake of the head: 'Now, Dan, do you still want to enlist?' The youth could clearly see dread and hope in his grandpa's eyes.

Then he paused and thought about something: 'Gramps? Have I been named after that best friend of yours?'

A small smile crept on Jake's face: 'Yes. I asked your father for that. Some kind of last honour.'

Dan nodded and bit on his lower lip. 'You told dad this story as well, didn't you? He had demanded from me to talk to you about enlisting, when I had told him about it.'

'That was nearly thirty years ago. He had wanted to enlist back then as well as you want today. He had been in about the same age as I had been in and as you are in now. And I told him the same story. He had the same fairytale image of war, that I had had before I had been caught in it. You shouldn't make the same mistake as me.' Jake shook his head and continued 'It's easy to imagine the glory of war when you see soldiers coming home, drinking with comrades, newly made friends. But you never know why they are drinking.'

The youth looked puzzled at his grandfather: 'But they are also joking! And.. and it is my duty and honour to protect the Empire of mankind!'

A mirthless laugh escaped the old one's throat: 'You're thinking about something too big, believe me. I had thought all of your thoughts, too, back then. And I have been quiet wrong. Do not misunderstand me! It's important to protect the great Empire, but war is not only about glory and fame. It's about loosing friends, about getting injured, about dying, about loosing your confidence in everything that's good. And killing does not make you a hero. Even if you're killing an enemy, you're taking a life. Do you not want to know why soldiers are often hanging around in bars?'

Dan considered that: 'Well, why?'

'Good child. I can only tell you why we had been there. We went to bars to drink to our fallen friends and comrades. It had been some kind of coping method. I had learned that rather fast after ... after that battle. You go there and take a drink in your name and in the name of your fallen friend.'

The young one let a breath out he hadn't known he had been holding and then asked suspiciously: 'So in fact you are telling me not to enlist?'

His grandfather shook his head: 'No. I just tell you what war really is before you're in without knowing it. And if you - with that knowledge - decide to stay at home and learn another profession, I wouldn't disapprove that. You might think your father would be proud of you, if you enlisted and I tell you this:  
He would be proud. But he would also be proud if you learned something else. He wouldn't want to get a letter, telling him that his only son is a dead hero. A hero but nonetheless dead.'

He looked in his grandson's eyes. 'Do you get what I mean?'

'Yes, yes I think I get that, but my friends are also enlisting and ... and I don't want to be the only one not doing so. We have always wanted to do everything together. So why not this one, too?' Swiftly the younger one averted his gaze 'You might think that I didn't listen to you at all, but I did. And I still want to enlist. Not for glory, not for fame or anything, but to protect the ones I love and to protect the empire of mankind.'

Jake nodded and looked into the vast sky of his home planet. Then he let his eyes wander across the lawn of his garden and sighed: 'I see. You know what you want, don't you? How could I fail to understand that. After all, these are the ideas that made me enlist as well. I won't prevent you from enlisting, if you truly want to.'

'I truly want to, gramps! I truly want. If everyone would refrain from enlisting, then there would be none out there protecting us, so I won't back away from doing that. Who knows maybe I'll make officer's rank.' Dan managed a insecure smile and his grandpa laughed.

'You are truly my grandson. That is nearly what I said back at that time.' The older one became totally stern 'But let me give you this advise: Never give up tension, when you're on a battlefield.'

A voice from the inside of the house, behind which the two of them were sitting, called them in for supper.

Dan gave his grandpa a cautious, long look: 'So you approve me enlisting?'

Slowly the old man shook his head: 'No, Dan, but I do not approve, nor do I disapprove. You have to know for yourself what you want to do. Come on now, we don't want the meal to get cold.'

He laid an arm around his grandchild's shoulders and went inside with him.


End file.
